I Allegedly Wrote This

   If you listen to the news, you are likely to hear something like, 'John Doe allegedly shot and killed his neighbor.' Allegedly is used to protect news media from lawsuits. 

  Sometimes you will hear, 'The police allegedly arrested John Doe for the murder of his neighbor. '

  There is no allegedly about it. The police did arrest John Doe. They arrested him on camera, in front of witnesses, It's in the police report and probably in the public records.

  This is going overboard trying to protect someone. However, in this day and age, it might not be enough. Allegedly. 

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Time Enough At Last

   Isn't it wonderful when you have all the time in the universe to anything you want to do and you spend all your time trying to figure out what to do first. 

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BUGS!!! UGH!!!

 "Mosquitoes! What good are they?", I have heard myself say. I have said something similar about flies and fleas and bugs in general.                                      I finally decided to look it up. I hoped to find, Bugs! What are they good for? Absolutely nothing!                                        I am sad to say, I was wrong. Bugs are useful, even necessary.                                  First, spiders keep the bug population down. We would be over run by bugs if they didn't.                                                      Bees, flies, and mosquitoes pollinate, very important for humans .                      Fleas and, yes, cockroaches, as well as other pest have value. They are a vital food source for birds, fish, lizards and mammals.                                                        Many bugs are a valuable source of protein, essential  vitamins and minerals. A lot break down decaying organic waste and release essential nutrients into the soil. Some can be used in forensic science, scientific and medical research.                                   Bugs! We need them. We can't live without them. They make our lives better.                                                                After all my research, I have come to the conclusion that, I STILL DON'T WANT BUGS IN MY HOME!!!!

  

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Don't Whine

   Two retired friends, Mort and Frank, sat watching the sunset. Mort was complaining about the aches and pains of getting old. 

  "I'm not old," Frank said. "I'm aged, like fine wine." 

  "Young wine is fine," Mort said. "Old wine turns into vinegar." 

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T V Comedy

  Boston was freezing cold. Some of the men of Cheers wanted to find a way prove their manhood. A customer named Paul said that when he was a kid his family, no matter what the weather was like, would run and jump into the ocean. 

  The Boston men thought that was a great idea and hurriedly left the bar to jump into the sea.

  After they left, Clara asked Paul where did he grow up?

  "Hawaii," he said. 

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Yeah Santa!

 There are floating around some nasty suspicions about Ole St Nick. Some people can't just accept a charming and innocent Christmas story has no evil intent. Here's the whole scoop 

We have an universal, eternal, and non revocable contract with Santa. He is allowed to enter our homes at will during the Christmas season. It is not breaking and entering.There is an opt-out clause.

The elves live to make or help in the making of toys. It's their lifesblood. They are not enslaved or underpaid. Take away their toy making and they become serious depressed.

The toyshop belongs to Santa and, until he gives them away, so do the toys. Who he gives them to and how he decides who he gives them to is he's decision. 

The reindeer love to fly the sleigh. They fight, in a fun way, each other for the right to fly. 

 The reindeer games are like football practice. They help keep the reindeer in shape and helps determine who gets to fly the sleigh. Christmas is not the only time or reason to fly the sleigh.

Santa is not too white. No one is too white or too black or too brown. Is the grinch too green?

Lastly, Santa is not some creep that stands by your bed and drools. He's not spying on you with hidden cameras or some sort of listening device. Santa just knows. He knows when you're awake. "He sees"  is just another way of saying, he knows. Santa just knows if you've been bad or good.

Finally, can't  you just accept that Santa is magical and can do impossible things?If you can't enjoy the wonder of Christmas, just leave those of us who do alone.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

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Let's Visit The Hospital

   Ted and Nancy were in the hospital gift shop when he said, "Sure a lot of people here." 

  Nancy was examining a cute little teddy bear cup.  " We all start our lives in a hospital," She said thoughtfully. 

  " Seems like a lot of people are homesick." Ted said.

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Already!?

   Ned and Tammy were having their coffee break when Ned said, "Tomorrow, I'm putting up my Christmas tree. I feel like I just took it down "                                                              "Yeah," Tammy said. "It seems like time is rushing by.".                                          "Sure does," Ned said. "Maybe I should have taken the tree down in February instead of waiting until November. "

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Are You A He?

 Ned and Tammy were having a lunch break at work. "You know sometimes a woman wakes up in the morning, she doesn't feel like putting on makeup. Sometimes she feels like she's a man ." 

" Are you crazy? Tammy said. "If I don't put on makeup it's because I don't want to. It's not because I feel like a man. I don't even know what it's like to be a man. Do you? "

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What To Do When You Are Stuck At Home

 1. Eat

 2. Sleep 

 3. Watch T. V.

 4. Call a friend. (Oh. Right. She's working.)

 5. Make a list of things to do when you're stuck in the house. 

 6. Make a list of things to do when you are finally set free. (The first two cannot be errands.)

 7. Play phone games

 8. Call your friend. (Oh. Right. She has to feed her family.)

 9. Eat

 10. Sleep. (Start a new list tomorrow)

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PaRumpumpumpum

   One of my favorite Christmas songs is 'Little Drummer Boy.' Pa Rum Pum Pum Pum. 

  Some find it very annoying. Pa Rum Pum Pum Pum.

  I have always loved it. Pa Rum Pum Pum Pum. 

  I wanted to hear it every Christmas.Pa Rum Pum Pum Pum.

  But one Christmas, I really heard the message. About a poor boy who had no gift fit for a king. He had no gold, no frankincense or myrrh. He had nothing of value. He only had his drum.

  We don't know if the boy could play well. We only know, that's all he had.        We don't need gifts to lay before the king. We just need to give him us. The whole of us. 

                    Merry Christmas!

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YOUR CALL IS IMPORTANT...

Things to do while on hold. 

  1. Get dress.

  2. Brush teeth.

  3. Get laundry ready 

  4. Rearrange closets and drawers 

  5. Defrost refrigerator 

  6. Meet new friends also on hold

  7. Train a puppy 

  8. Plant a garden 

  9. Put together a 3000 piece puzzle. 

  10. Start another puzzle 

  11. Make fudge 

  12. Plan a mini vacation 

  13. Send belated birthday wishes 

  14. Find a handy calendar to 

        Remember what day It is 

  15. Learn a new language 

  16. Crochet or knit a king size afghan 

  17. Learn patience 

  18. Learn it again 

  19. Go for a walk

  20. Prepare for bed

  21. Write a note reminding you who you called and why

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I, YOU, ALL SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM

   Why is it, the food that is best for us is the stuff we don't like? The answer is discipline. We have to make choices. It would be nice if chocolate marshmallow ice cream was full of vital nutrients and vitamins. That would be an easy choice. Eating vegetables is harder.

  Don't make the mistake in thinking I'm against eating ice cream. I could go for a pint right now. Discipline tells me to go for half a pint. 

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It's Called...

 Chuck and Josh were at the Friendly Neighborhood Bar with their friend Bart. Bart told the waitress he wanted a "valka".

  "It's pronounced, vodka," Chuck said.

  "That's what I said. Valka."

  "Vodka!" Chuck said." Vodka. Some call it vodka. "

  "Some call it breakfast," Josh said. 

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Don't Smoke?

   The Odd Couple, a T. V. show from the 80's, had an episode where Oscar had a bet on a pool game that was between him and a pool shark.

  Things looked bad for Oscar. There seemed to be no way for him to win 

  The pool shark was a heavy smoker and had a smokers cough. Feliz, who was there to support Oscar, became concerned. He started asking questions.

  He found out how much the pool shark smoked and said, "My cousin smoked like that. He died when he was 45."

  The pool shark said," I'm 45." He threw away his cigarettes. It was his turn to take a shot. He was about to win, but not smoking threw off his balance and he lost. He got angry and grabbed back his cigarettes.

  Oscar asked Felix, "What did you say to him?"

  "I was just telling him about my cousin who died "

  " How did he die? "

   "He was hit by a bus."

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Weddings And Stuff

  Chuck's friend had hired Josh for the pre-ceremony wedding photos. Josh was putting away his camera when he heard the groom mutter, "I think I'm making a mistake."

  "Too late to back out now," Josh said. "We already taken the pictures." 

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Smart Money

  I heard a man talk about how to help kids be smart with money. You start with three cans. I added a fourth. One can is for spending. One for saving. One for charity. I added, one for tithe and offering.

  You let the kids decide how much they want to spend, save and give to charity. Tithe is ten percent and offering is from the heart. 

  If you start young enough, saving, giving and tithing becomes a lifelong habit. It will become natural to put aside money instead of spending it all.

  

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Don't Worry About Me

 Chuck and Josh went to take Chuck's grandpa to lunch. "We thought we'd walk to the cafe, Pops. You need to get some exercise, " Chuck said. 

  " Don't worry about me," Chuck's grandpa said. " I get my exercise just putting on my pants. "

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BAD CARBON. BAD.

   We have all heard a lot about reducing our carbon footprint. What they are really talking about is carbon dioxide.

  Carbon dioxide is the stuff we exhale. The trees take it and make oxygen. Carbon is soot, coal, and diamonds. If you are leaving diamonds in your footsteps, pick them up. You are going to need the money.

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Music Tour

   Janey fell in love with Alister Neman's music when she was sixteen. She bought every album, every c. d. and downloaded every song. It was a life long dream to attend one of his concerts.

  When he announced his retirement, she was heartbroken. Janey decided she would attend every performance of his farewell tour no matter where it was.

  Janey quit her job, borrowed money, cashed her stocks and broke her piggy bank. She followed him to New York, Miami, New Orleans and San Francisco. She travelled to London, Paris, Rome and Tokyo. Wherever he went, she was there. 

  After a year, the tour was over. Exhausted, Janey returned to her apartment. She dropped her bags, plopped down into the armchair, clicked on the T.  V. and laid her head back with joyful contentment.

  Janey was just at the point of dozing off when she bolted upright. She could not believe what the reporter had said. "Alister Neman has just announced the dates for his comeback tour."

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